Always Carry a Little Lubricant

HAPPY HALF-BIRTHDAY TO ME.

Hazel, the teen age Cancer patient, in the Fault in Our Stars has a half-birthday celebration. Her mother marks and commemorates the day as a milestone. It's another six months of life for Hazel. 

Yesterday was my one-hundred-thirty-first half birthday and I forgot. I hope it's not an early sign of a brain disorder. Coincidentally, Wanda and I had a date night Saturday.

Last month we purchased tickets for a Motown review.  The Best Intentions were energetic, very talented and a lot of fun. 

"In 1964...Fifty-years-ago...the hits kept coming out of a house on West Grand Boulevard in Detroit...Hitsville USA," said the lead when they took the stage. Then the group went into a Four Tops medley. (There are five singers so one guy got an opening break). 

I lived in Detroit in 1964. I got my driver's license in 1964. I almost had sex with someone other than me in 1964. I bought my first 4-track tape in 1964. Meet the Temptations contained the group's first hit single "The Way You Do The things You Do." 

You got a smile so bright

You know you could have been a candle
I'm holding you so tight
You know you could have been a handle

The way you swept me off my feet
You know you could have been a broom
The way you smell so sweet
You know you could have been some perfume

The concert audience was mixed but many people were our age. Collectively we were celebrating this wonderful music and a special time of life. I was reminded of age Saturday night and it was good. I was creaking a lot more but for a few hours I was sixteen again.

Well, you could have been anything that you want to

And I can tell...The way you do the things you do 

Early yesterday morning I watched a few minutes of an infomercial for "The greatest lawn tool ever made." According to the spokesperson it has been, "The best selling tool of its kind for over half-a-decade.".....Half-a decade.

Is that something to be really proud of or are they counting on people not knowing how long a decade is.

Yes folks, our device has been the very best multi-purpose lawn tool and the top seller in the market for five-years-six-months-and-one-day.

I suppose anything that lasts half a decade these days has longevity.

Number 20 on a list of helpful hints: Goodbye Fruit Flies

To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and two drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the glass and gone forever.

When I was married to the bad spouse I used to get rid of her dad just like that. I took a large glass filled it with ice and Bourbon and put it in the next room.

Talk about a moment of sheer terror. I was just looking for something in my wallet and saw this Starbucks receipt.

1. Gd Latte...............48.00

Gd. Shot Espresso.....  5.00

Total             $          53.00

What the Hell did I do? 

I was in Starbucks over the week end and I heard the prices were going up but I never spend that much. Shit, now I'm going to need to go through other receipts and call Wanda.....wait a second.....Expedido en: Boulvard Costero #678...Ensenada, Mexico. 

Now I need to ask myself why I still have a receipt from March in my wallet.

I've been using the same wallet since 1993. 

Here is a chief difference between men and women. A man can go through his entire life with just three wallets. A woman goes through several dozen wallets, and purses.....some even have shoes to match.

A man's first one needs to hold a drivers license, a little cash and a condom or two. The second wallet his drivers license, credit cards, and medical information. His third wallet a drivers license (while he still has it) his Medicare information and a copy of hospital advanced directives.

Wanda and I were talking about the book by John Green.

She said. "John Green wrote "The Fault In Our Stars."

He heard. John Green wrote The Baltimore Stars.

On Father's Day while talking about great films and "Citizen Kane"

She said. "I heard Rosebud was a sleigh he had as a child."

He heard. I heard Rosebud was a slave he had as a child.

After viewing a commercial for a local restaurant 

She said. "They now have wraps...tri-tip wraps, chicken wraps and hot link wraps."

He heard. They now have rats...tri-tip rats, Chinese rats and hot link rats.

A U.S. exchange student in Germany got himself stuck in a tight spot while visiting Tübingen University's institute for microbiology and virology.

Twenty-two firefighters were called in to rescue the unnamed student after he got stuck in a giant vagina sculpture outside the institute.

The Chacán-Pi (Making Love) red marble statue by Peruvian artist Fernando de la Jara weights 32 tons and has been outside the institute since 2001.

The sculpture is designed to represent "the gateway to the world."

Firefighters brought a gallon of extra-virgin olive oil and were able to deliver the student to freedom without injuring him or the statue. Ironic, the boy admitted to also being extra-virgin. "I just wanted to get a better look at it," he said.

Sometimes it takes a little grease to make it through the gateway to the world, life too.