Special Gifts For the Season....

I'm writing on the new computer so it should be an interesting morning. So many things are different and I guess I've become a creature of habit.

The biggest problem I need to rectify is the lack of a word processor program. If you read the original unchecked drafts of the daily blog I'm sure you'd think the cat wrote them. I'm a lousy typist and can't spell worth a damn. On more than one occasion the spell check has returned WHAT IS THAT? I looked at software yesterday. There must be something under $109 I can use.

My second issue is the keyboard. It feels different using a desk top over a lap top. And the screen, it's bigger. I need to move both until a) I'm comfortable and b) I can see consistently though the bifocals. Once I have them set Wanda sits down and moves everything.

Wanda is the front office wench for a dentist. There are several computer set-ups for the various workers but hers is front and center, but its not. Imagine a 90 degree angle with her in the corner; she's been sitting at an angle for years. So at home she slants her keyboard because that's what she's accustomed to.

We're getting a new refrigerator today. It's nothing special, just a white Maytag with a top freezer and an ice maker we'll never use. Well, maybe we'll use it if we ever remodel our kitchen but that's not likely to happen anytime this century. Our house was built in the late 1970's. The fridge is directly across the kitchen from the incoming water lines. I bet all the homes built now have easy access to water for all the cool things that come out of refrigerator doors like water, ice, soda and wheat grass juice.

Before dinner last night I moved the old fridge to another wall of the kitchen. I must have turned and reached for the door that wasn't there two dozen times. I did the same damn thing this morning when going for the milk. We also keep a hand drying towel on the door handle. After several failed attempts I went to the tried and true hand dryer, my jeans. I'm glad the new one will be here today. I don't think I could take this much longer.

According to Gallup Americans are expected to spend an average of $786 on Christmas gifts this year, $16 more than last year. Someone is spending a Hell of a lot more than that to make up for our household. Sorry, I can not understand spending big money on holiday gifts. It may just be my Jewish-ness and I DON'T mean anything stereotypical so don't go there. Hanukkah gifts were small fun things. 

By the way, my birthday is in six days and I received my first gift. It's a delicious and very tasty organic-like Black Forrest Ham.

Yes, some of us eat ham.

If you must spend big here a few suggestions:

You can commission a life size sculpture of yourself, partner, children or pet done completely with Lego's. It takes a couple of weeks and $5,000 to $25,000 depending on size. Children and pets are on the low end, twins slightly more.

Instead of sitting in the comfort of your home and watching, take the family to Sochi for the Olympics. 

What's more fun, knowing where the fridge and toilet are or learning to ask in Russian? What's better, a 50" H.D. view of all the action or staring at the back of someone's fur hat? Trade the surround sounds of competition for the ever present annoying sounds of cow bells. 

Don't stay home and just watch the Olympics, live it. Single three-to-six night packages, including breakfast (toast, eggs and ham) range from $6,200 to $18,000 plus; doubles run $8,600 to $25,000 plus.

The next suggestion is from the always popular Neiman Marcus Holiday Catalog.

You're sure to impress your neighbors and friends with this set up. It starts with an outdoor and waterproof television with a 201-inch screen that adjusts in height up to 15 feet and rotates 270 degrees. Add a 7.1 surround sound system, Direct TV, a top of the line DVD player and a built-in movie package with 300 films and concerts and two Apple Mini Ipads that function as remotes and you are good to go. The system can be yours for $1.5 million.

And the best part is you can feel good about your purchase. The store will donate ten grand to your favorite charity.

A person could get a pretty nice Samsung 85" Smart TV for $40,000 but like
Max Bialystock said, "Flaunt it baby, flaunt it."

This is fun and a bargain to boot.

Take a ride in the specially modified Boeing 727, G-Force One. Each flight consists of 12 to 15 parabolic maneuvers that result in 25 to 30 seconds of weightlessness.

Play with floating M&M's and water droplets. Learn how to vomit while upside down. Host a birthday or surprise party. You won't need the dress if you plan a weightless wedding.

The cost may seem excessive at $4,950 per person but it includes a flight suit, a certificate of weightlessness, a video and photos of your flight.

Don't you just hate those extra charges after an adventure? Wanda went zip-lining for $59 and they had the audacity to ask $10 for pictures.

By the way, the weightlessness cost is $1100 a minute, about the price of a cab ride in New York.

But wait, there's more.

An all day pass at the famous San Diego Zoo. This is a private tour with your very own zoo expert. Learn the mating habits of the Himalayan Yak and the Chinstrap Penguin. Delight the kids with a stroll through the lion and tiger enclosure. Get all decked out in plastic coat, hat and safety glasses and let monkeys throw poo at you. A gourmet lunch follows.

The package includes the entire day, lunch and a video and photos of your zoo adventure. The cost is a reasonable $499.35 per person (minimum of four).

Something for the sporting man will make a very special gift. This is an all inclusive five day ice-fishing trip to Big Rabbit (west) Lake in Crow Wing County, Minnesota. 

Although the temperature may be 10-below-zero you'll be nice and toasty in our heated and fully furnished ice-shelters. There's no need to bring an auger, all holes are pre-bored and we guarantee you won't be. So, think about vacation fishing for perch, bluegills, pike and my favorite, crappies.

This four day deal of a lifetime can be yours for $3,500 per person, double occupancy, air and meals not included.

This is the first year Special U Spa is offering the ultimate personal pamper day for you and a loved one or friend.

Start your day with a dip in the mud lake followed by a mineral hot bath and luffa exfoliation. You'll relax as the toxins are leeched from your body during our two hour seaweed and plastic cocoon full body wrap.

Enjoy a light lunch with selections such as Grilled Marinated Tempe Steak with Avocado Radicchio, Orange Dressing and Tahini and Polenta Cake with Orange Blossom Yogurt, Berries and Pistachios.

Your full afternoon session includes manicure, pedicure and hot oil and rock aroma therapy body massage, facial with cucumber paste, avocado and left over lunch fruit. You will also, at your request, be waxed devoid of any and all body hair and receive a high colonic flush with probiotic replacement.

This is all yours for $860 per person per day.

So, this holiday season you can spend a lot, a little, or nothing at all. This holiday season engage in conversation and tell someone you love them. Everyone can use a good hug.