I'll Start the Bidding at One Dollar

Here are some things Avie sent me. I'd give credit to the authors but I don't know who they are. I try to be creative every day but once in a while I run out of steam and you all sure seemed to enjoy the last group from her.

If I can get a few more contributors, ask Steve the Cat to write more often, add Sparky, Sock and BFF to the mix, I can stop writing.

Phil's Scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain." 

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate 

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 

The batteries were given out free of charge. 

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. 

A will is a dead giveaway. 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

A boiled egg is hard to beat. 

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. 

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. 

He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye. 

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Daughter: "Daddy, I am coming home to get married. Take out your check book. I'm in love with a boy who is far away. He lives in Australia. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings, good wishes and a big wedding!"

Father: "Really! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay through Paypal."

"And if you get fed up with your husband. . . sell his ass on eBay!"

A man who was thrown out of a bathroom by an explosion was able to walk away with only a bruised knee.

Jeffery Oppenheimer said he was visiting a friend and using his toilet when an explosion threw him out of the home's bathroom.

"It happened in an instant like getting hit by a cannon," he said.

The cause of the explosion was unclear.

A vial containing the blood of former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill is due to go under the hammer at a British auction house, officials said.

Timothy Medhurst, an auctioneer with Duke's of Dorchester, said the drops of blood were collected when the World War II-era prime minister was being treated at The Middlesex Hospital for a fractured hip at the age of 87 in 1962.

The vial was kept by Nurse Patricia Fitzgibbon, who said she received permission to keep the vial as a souvenir when it was about to be thrown away.

"I remember that he would never settle at night until after he had read the first edition of all the daily newspapers which he had specially delivered," Fitzgibbon recalled in 2010. "He habitually smoked cigars in bed and regularly mixed the first and second courses of his meal into one bowl before eating it!"

The blood is expected to sell for $460-$930 when it goes up for auction, but Medhurst said the auction house considers it "impossible to put an accurate estimate on this unique piece of history."

"This year marks the 50 year anniversary of Churchill's death. The blood is a poignant reminder of an injury which marked the beginning of the end for Churchill and as such, we expect there to be great interest in it. It could sell for thousands."

A Canadian lawmaker said he left his seat after casting a vote because of underwear that make it difficult to sit for any length of time.

"I can blame it on a sale that was down at the Hudson's Bay Company. They had men's underwear on for half price. I bought a bunch that was clearly too small for me and I find it difficult to sit for any length of time," he said. "I apologize if it was necessary for me to leave my seat briefly, but I did not mean to forfeit my right to vote."

He later said, "We have to be in our seats at the time a motion is read and someone got his knickers in a knot, I think, about the fact that I stepped away from my chair for a couple of seconds."

"It begs the question, I mean, a lot of the grumpiness in the House of Commons might be traced to the fact that politicians are buying their underpants one size too small."

Well, it's as good a reason as any.