Two Guys Walk into a Bathroom

An unexpected and shocking altercation broke out in a 32nd floor restroom of a downtown Kansas City professional building yesterday.

Franklin Peabody, a 40-year-old investment banker and 48-year-old Thomas Terwilliger who works for the law firm Flywheel and Hester were both hospitalized following what witnesses say was a vicious unprovoked attack with a toilet seat lid.

Peabody claims he was standing at a urinal relieving himself when Terwilliger came into the men's room and took a position right next to him.

Peabody says, "There's an entire wall of urinals and this guy stands right next to me. I have a shy bladder so I asked him to move."

Terwilliger, who had several cups of coffee on his way to the office, was shocked. "I've never in my life heard such a thing. The urinals are placed far enough apart for some privacy. After all, I just want to relieve myself, you know, drain the lizard as it were. I sure wasn't interested in his business. So I told him to go screw himself."

Peabody, who wasn't able to finish became so upset he yanked a toilet seat lid off a bowl and began to beat Terwilleger over the head.

At this point a man who was in a stall reading the New York Times called building security and 911.

Police arrived to a scene of utter chaos. 

Patrolman Howard Dinsetter said, "There was blood everywhere and toilet paper too. Both participants looked awful. Terwilliger had a very vascular head wound and Peabody got his penis stuck in his zipper. I can tell you, that hurts."

"I wanted to avoid an arrest but I had to take them in. It's one thing to fight about reclining seats on airplanes but where to pee in a public bathroom should never be up for debate."

Both men have been charged with disturbing the peace. They are expected to make full and complete recoveries.

Terwilleger said he's going to cut back on his morning coffee and Peabody will attend meditation and relaxation classes.

When I had to take Younger Daughter Rebecca to the bathroom in the middle of Benji the Hunted, which was no great sacrifice; I had a choice to make. 

In hindsight I should have taken her to the ladies room and waited outside. I took her into the men's room so I could keep a closer eye on her. It was empty and passing the urinals on the way to the stalls she asked me what they were.

"Dad, what are those things on the walls for?" She asked.

Not wanting to get into an entire conversation about the difference in gender plumbing I told her that men sit in them.

Yesterday I once again was Otto the family dog. We went to the store. 

After picking a short line and placing items on the belt we were treated to five minutes of discussion about why the lady in front of us had an outdated credit card. Meanwhile the entire population of Muncie, Indiana checked out before us.

Did you know there are professional line standers? Sitters? Waiters?

I've come to this point in my life. If someone is willing to pay for service, who am I to judge.

Impatience has a price. Robert Samuel, owner of professional line-waiting service S.O.L.D. or Same Ole Line Dudes, puts it at $25 for the first hour and $10 for each additional half hour. 

"Whatever you want, we wait for it," he said. "We wait for everything from sneaker launches to concert tickets to Ice Skating Anna and Elsa dolls."

Samuel was interviewed while waiting in line for Dominique Ansel Bakery's Cronuts in New York's SoHo. The Cronuts, which sell for $5, are SOLD's most popular request. He charges a flat rate of $60 for two. He usually shows up two hours before the bakery opens at 8 a.m.

Typical clients include busy professionals and executives along with people with out-of-town guests, who want to try popular items like Cronuts but whose hosts prefer to skip the wait.

Samuel, 38, now has about a dozen employees who collectively sit for an average of seven to ten jobs per week.

Samuel says, "Business is booming. I was giving some thought to expanding to things like running errands but that seemed too much like work. I prefer sitting on my ass and getting paid." 

One of my buddies suggested standing in for busy executives at dinner engagements and events like theater openings and fund raisers. I may do that. I'll need a few additions to the old closet but I think I can mix and match with the best of them."

"I will draw the line at having sex."

"No one should be too busy for that."

Partial repost from 9-14-14