One Way of Dealing with the High Cost of Pills

Wheaten City, Illinois: This small city just west of Chicago was rocked last Thursday when thirty-eight seniors from the Monarch Landing Retirement Center went missing.

After a challenging and emotionally fraught twenty-four hours the nearly 58,000 citizens of Wheaten are breathing a collective sigh of relief.

Charge Nurse Florida Slotsky discovered the missing residents while on her evening rounds. "I was doing my medication and bed checks at 9 o'clock when I found a lot of empty rooms, like there must have been a dozen or more, she said. I'd been on vacation but we've never had that many die in a week." Slotsky who was visibly upset added, "Usually to make sure they're alive I've got to go in the room and shake 'em a little but these people were just gone, vanished."

When investigators arrived they discovered thirty-two empty apartments. A total of thirty-eight people between the ages of 68 and 82 disappeared without a trace, without a sound. Several remaining occupants were questioned but they didn't hear anything suspicious. Many didn't hear the questions.

After the initial search of the buildings Police Chief Vincent "Vinnie" Tollis said, "It's like they were abducted by aliens. There is absolutely no trace of them anywhere. It's going to be light soon so we'll save some batteries and begin a grid search in the morning. After all, if they did make a mass break they won't get much farther in three hours. A number of them use walkers."

At first light Friday several hundred began to search the surrounding property. Three hours later volunteers from the Sunshine Community Garden reached the nearest school, which was a mile away, where a police officer was taking a report from the custodian about a missing school bus. "I don't believe in coincidence, he said. Two and two make four and if I have a stolen bus and a missing group, something is rotten in Denmark."

After further investigation an APB for a large yellow school bus with Kings County Coyote's stenciled on each side was broadcast to the tri-state area. Within hours a vehicle matching that description was stopped at the Wisconsin Canadian border. When searched the group from Wheaten was discovered unharmed, in great spirits and playing bingo.

Harry Tanner, the group spokesperson and bus driver said, "We were on our way to Ontario to pick up a load of medication. You know we can save as much as 75% by going over there. I thought it was about time we organized a field trip. I'm 78-years-old but I drove an Amtrak bus for 40-years. I know my way around a sick-shift." 

Sanford Lawrence added, "Do you have any idea what the cost of Viagra is? I may be getting on in years and need some help but I like sex as much as the next guy." The Affordable Health Care Act helped some with the cost but still, it's close to $20 a pill and I have to buy a minimum of ten pills. Now that may be a month for some guys but for me it's not even a week. At this rate I'd spend less money paying a hooker by the hour."

It wasn't all men and it wasn't all about the sex. Most of the group went for regular maintenance medication like blood pressure, cholesterol and blood thinners to name a few. "It's a real shame we worked all our lives and now we have to sneak over to another country in order to afford this, mussed Millie Cooper. A lot of my friends go on those Caribbean and Mexico cruises and buy cheap meds. Hell, if I had the money for a cruise I wouldn't be on this toilet-less bus wearing depends."

Many of the older citizens were discussing their situation and how difficult it is. "Ordering on-line is hard, said one. Only a few of us have computers and even less know how to run them without calling their grandchildren. So we all got together and decided to go on this field trip. It's only two-hundred-twenty-miles to the border. We played games, sang songs, brought water and snacks. It felt good to get out for a while. I guess we're going to get in trouble for this one."

The group was detained for a short time then put on trains for the four hour ride back. Shortly after arrival their safe return was broadcast on local news. Reporter Suzie Sandstone began a grassroots effort to help raise awareness of the situation. "I'm going to do everything I can to make sure people my grandparents' age never need to sneak out for anything like this again."

Suzie formed the Willing Wheaten Wonders a non-profit organization to eradicate the financial worries of area seniors. The mission statement of W.W.W. is "If your fixed income is broken we will repair it." Suze, as she is known around town says, "We're starting small with medical necessities but hope to include food, clothing and eventually trips to the Ho-Chunk North Indian Casino in Whittenburg, Wisconsin. They have contributed so much to our cause."

Now that the potential horror has been assuaged the town of Wheaten returned to a slow and idyllic normality. Couples are strolling through the large town square park enjoying the warm summer evenings. Children are running through the water fountains and playing on the swings. Young couples are sitting on blankets sharing wine and cheese while listening to live music. And the residents of the Monarch Landing Retirement Center are watching Wheel of Fortune and clapping along with Vanna White.

But change may be on the way.

Harry added a closing thought, "Just because we're old doesn't mean we weren't young once. We remember how it was and now that we have the time, well, why not have a little fun. Like Chuckles the Clown said, "'A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.'"

originally posted June 11, 2014