Au Contraire....Things Could be Worse.

She said, "Are you marching?"
He heard. Are you Martian?

She said, "I'm getting up to put heat on my leg."
He heard. I'm getting up to put meat on my leg.

She said, "I brought it out in case you did."
He heard. I thought it might have tasted good.

I'm pissed, upset, angry and mad.

This morning when I turned on the computer I had a large warning from Microsoft. Something was wrong and all I need do, according to the notice, was click an icon that would help me out.

SO I DID

THE SOLUTION CANNOT BE DISPLAYED

Oh, that's a shocker...WTF? You are not connected to the Internet? Oh please, why doesn't Microsoft just blame Xfinity and be done with it. I AM connected to the Internet.

I'm crabby, cranky, cross, crotchety, grouchy, grumpy, irascible, peevish, prickly, quick-tempered, raspy, ratty, short-tempered, snappish, snappy, snarky, snippety, snippy, stuffy, testy and waspish.

I'm bilious, cantankerous, cross-grained, curmudgeonly, disagreeable, dyspeptic, ill-humored, ill-natured, ill-tempered, off-color, ornery, querulous, snarly, surly; argumentative, bellicose, belligerent, combative, contentious, disputatious, fractious, fretful, pugnacious, quarrelsome, scrappy, truculent; huffy, pouty, sensitive, short, sulky, sullen, tetchy, thin-skinned, touchy; hot-blooded, passionate.

I'm including hot-blooded and passionate because they sound sexy.

What will you do all day once you retire? A new study concludes that you'll spend your time watching TV and puttering around the house.

While this may not sound like an exciting retirement lifestyle, labor economist and author of the study Charlene Kalenkoski says she found this research to be reassuring because it means retirement can be affordable. 

"Spending time at home relaxing, thinking, reading and watching TV -- it doesn't cost a lot of money," she says.

According to Charlene here is what I have to look forward to.

Sleeping: 520.6 (point six?) minutes per day...8.67 hours

Watching Television: 223 minutes per day...3.71 hours

Reading: 47.5 minutes per day

Washing, dressing and personal grooming: 38.7 minutes per day

Socializing: 34.4 minutes per day

Preparing food and drinks: 33.9 minutes per day

Shopping: 32 minutes per day

Caring for lawn, garden and houseplants: 30.3 minutes per day

Household cleaning: 24.1 minutes per day

Relaxing and thinking: 22.7 minutes per day

And to round out my perfect day I can look forward to spending my time playing on the computer and talking to myself.

The study did include travel, which as you know is something I love to do. I'm so looking forward to my allotted 10.8 minutes per day of it I may even venture down to the Shell station on the corner, thereby killing two birds with one stone. I'll take care of my travel adventures and get gas at the same time.

Charlene mentions getting gas in her study but she includes it in the food consumption department.

I don't have a lawn nor do I garden. There are no plants in this house. I am destined to relax and think more than the average retiree. I'm going to be a slightly clean, television watching, not very well read bore.

Coincidentally, this is one of the first things I noticed this morning when signing on (once I was actually able to access a web page).

Here are several solutions for my sour mood.

Foods to Help Pull You Out Of the Winter Blues.

Salmon or other Omega-3 Fatty Acids

Anxiety is one thing we never want to experience. That doesn't mean we won't. When you need to combat your anxious feelings, try something like salmon. "Regular consumption of omega-3s has extensive research support for both the prevention and treatment of clinical depression. And there's growing evidence that omega-3s also help reduce anger and irritability."

According to Charlene I only have 33.9 minutes per day to prepare food so I better start drinking flaxseed oil; salmon takes 15 minutes to cook.

Green Tea

If you feel the need to calm down quickly, try sipping on a nice cup of green tea. "Green tea contains theanine, which calms you and helps you maintain clear concentration and focus. Green tea's modest amount of caffeine won't send you into an angry rage, either; it's gentler on your body than coffee."

So go ahead, blame it on my coffee.....bitch. One thing in life that makes me feel good and I really, really hate green tea.

Whole Grains

Feelings of sadness might seem natural from time to time, but they can also indicate a vitamin D deficiency. "This nutrient has many different roles in the body, one of which is to help in the production of serotonin. If you're low on vitamin D, [it] may be affecting your body's ability to stabilize your mood and reduce feelings of depression."

Barley, buckwheat and millet are three of my favorite grains. I think we feed millet to the backyard birds, or is that suet?

Low-Sugar, Low-Fat Carbs

Comfort foods may seem to be the most fun way to rid yourself of depression. But instead of devouring a bucket of fried chicken, try something like an egg-salad sandwich. "An egg-salad sandwich on whole-grain bread offers the perfect carbohydrate-tryptophan combination. Try our favorite tip: Cut the mayo and mix your diced hard-cooked eggs with a teaspoon of fat-free or low-fat plain Greek yogurt and half a teaspoon of whole-grain Dijon mustard."

Sorry for this but an egg mixed with yogurt reminds me of too many things I saw in the hospital.

Apples with Peanut Butter

Feelings of crankiness are sometimes a sign that your body just needs to refuel. In that case, try a combination snack. "Combination foods contain a carbohydrate in combination with either some protein or some fat. Carbohydrates are a great source of energy that quickly burns out. Adding some fat or protein will slow the digestion process, causing your sugar and energy levels to remain stable for a longer amount of time. A great example of a combination snack is an apple with peanut butter. The apple is your healthy complex carbohydrate and the peanut butter is a healthy fat."

Old joke: Your teeth are like the stars...they come out at night.

Now some people may think this is next rant is in poor taste (taste....get it) and just may be too much information. I suppose in this, the advanced age of communication (and considering I only have 34.4 minutes per day to socialize in any form) I should say T.M.I. but frankly, I don't give a damn. How in the hell am I going to eat apples and peanut butter with this?

Why not subject me to the Pear of Anguish or put me on the Rack right now.