I Told You to Slow Down and Turn Right...

Concerned about missing dinner Bernard looks on while his wife Sarah checks the Sunny Skillet coupon for the Early Bird hours.

Are you sure you picked up my pants at the cleaners?

Now aren't you glad we got the moon roof?

Hey, I feel like one of those women in the Amsterdam windows.

The Russian Interior Ministry launched an effort to crackdown on uniform modifications, including the rising trend of short skirts on female Russian police officers.

Female officers have taken to raising the hemlines on their skirts and adding fashionable footwear.

"When you meet people, the first thing you see is their clothing, and for a police officer fulfilling his duties, it is crucial to have a tidy and neat appearance. From time to time, we have seen instances of officers improperly wearing their uniforms. Department heads must pay more attention to the appearance of their subordinates," said Deputy Interior Minister Sergei Gerasimov in a decree obtained by Russian newspaper Izvestia.

A picture circulating on Twitter shows police officers sporting short skirts and high heels.

The uniforms are creating quite an impression on men living in the area. Isaac Polokoff has been trying to get arrested for several weeks. "I don't want to do anything too bad but oh my, just look at those night sticks."

A Montana woman faces a felony charge of assault with a weapon after she allegedly smashed her 68-year-old husband's face with a container of hard-boiled eggs because she was upset that he had peed on the bathroom floor and ordered premium cable.

When police arrived at the home of Sheila Lynn, her husband was on the front steps holding a bloody towel to his face.

Officers followed a blood trail into the home and located Lynn. The 52-year-old appeared to be intoxicated and told police that her husband had hurt himself.

Lynn reportedly told police her husband had been causing problems by urinating on the floor, and that he had called a cable company and given a false name in an attempt to get cable service.

She said. "I've been living with the SOB for thirty years now. I just got him to remember to put the toilet seat down and now I'm always stepping in urine. It's not worth fighting about, I'll wear shoes in the bathroom, but that cable thing put me over the edge. He doesn't have a job. I'm not going to pay a big bill and have him sit around watching sports all day."

"He'll drink beer and go piss on the bathroom floor."

Lynn's husband told police that his wife told him she wanted to "teach him a lesson" and hit him in the face with a hard plastic box of free range chicken eggs.

There is no better way to celebrate the birth of a child.

The father of a one day old baby was arrested while visiting his wife at the hospital.

David Stubbing is accused of breaking a window to gain access to his neighbor's home and taking two TVs, a laptop computer, a camera, several bags of jewelry and 17 pairs of jeans. He also snatched a Captain America mask and a Monsters Inc. lunch box.

The 36-year-old suspect told police that he was drinking and taking Xanax on the night of the burglary. According to Stubbing, he woke up and found all of the items from his neighbor's home in his house.

His wife told police that he does bring home "stuff" from time to time even though he is unemployed. He always laughs and says, "One man's junk is another man's treasure."

It's good to know:

Archaeologists found what they believe is the world's oldest human feces, deposited atop an ancient campfire in Spain. The discovery undercuts theories that Neanderthals were purely carnivores. Chemical analysis of the petrified dung revealed both plant and animal matter, further disrupting any remaining notion that the early humans were purely meat eaters.

The library at the University of Liverpool waived a $7,600 fine for a 91-year-old man who returned a library book after 61 years.

Ron Webster checked out a copy of of Structure and Function in Primitive Society in 1953 when he was working as a research assistant at the school's social sciences department.

Ron thanked the library. "I'm a slow reader and it was difficult to get through. I forgot to renew the book. I hope I didn't inconvenience anyone waiting for it. Thanks to the University for waving the fine. I live on a fixed income."

An Orange City, Florida woman has been accused of trying to shoplift seven lobster tails from a Publix by stuffing them down her pants.

The tails are priced at $11.99 apiece, so Nichole Roden was allegedly trying to swipe almost $84 worth of seafood.

Roden stated she entered the store with the intent to steal food. Arresting officer Lydia Osteen said, "Roden told me she was going to trade the lobster tails to a friend and possibly buy Chinese buffet. She also said that she might have attempted to trade the tails for Dilaudid, a painkiller."

"I was hungry and don't much care for shellfish but lobster is expensive. I'm a small girl so I have to steal smart, especially in summer when I can't wear big coats. Chinese buffet sure sounded good but there's nothing like a high on Dilaudid."

The Chinese food was put on hold as Roden was charged with theft from a merchant and taken to the county jail. Roden didn't seem upset. "I've been here a number of times. They serve decent food and I can trade cigarettes for pills......and I don't smoke, it's not healthy."

I'm also including this recent news story classified as "odd" because it aggravates me.

A soccer fan paid more than $7,000 to make sure that he would have food from his favorite Indian restaurant while he was visiting Brazil for the World Cup.

Mustafa Azim informed Chilcha, an Indian restaurant in Sussex, England that he wanted them to provide curry dishes for 12 of his friends during the tournament.

In order to make it happen, Azim chartered a plane so he could pick up the takeout.

In addition to paying for the curry and charter flight, Azim also paid for a flight to Brazil, landing fees and other transportation costs.

Azim is expected to touch down with the food in Brazil on Wednesday.

"We are from Bangladesh and on a regular basis we eat curry and rice, and fish is part of our diet," Azim said. "There's not a single restaurant in Brazil that does it."

Chronic under nutrition affecting children under five in Bangladesh is estimated to be 41%.

I don't know what his story is. Maybe he donates a large sum of money to favorite causes every year. Perhaps I should do more rather than point out others extravagant spending. Maybe I'm upset and pissed off because someone helped themselves to the spare tire cover on our RAV4 the other night, a factory replacement part costing $453.

I guess rice and fish and curry powder are hard to get in freaking Brazil. For $7,000 and transportation I'll go there and cook dinner for Azim while wearing a clown nose, sunglasses and a SockMonkey hat.

Back on Monday with more blog stuff.