I Am Man.....Hear Me Flush

Are you familiar with Globish? The longer I write the blog the more I learn.

Globish, the dialect of the 3rd Millennium

Globish is a simple, pragmatic form of English codified by Jean-Paul Nerrière, a retired vice-president of IBM in the United States.

It involves a vocabulary limited to 1,500 words, short sentences, basic syntax, an absence of idiomatic expressions and extensive hand gestures to get the point across.

Use only words in the Globish glossary
Keep sentences short
Repeat yourself
Avoid metaphors and colorful expressions
Avoid negative questions
Avoid all humor
Avoid acronyms
Use gestures and visual aids

I wanted to write a sample of Globish but I can't understand a thing on the web site. I checked the Facebook page. No posts since last year. 

BART workers and management have been "negotiating" a new contract for months. Our government is closed because the party factions can't compromise. Neighbors fight over fence lines. I doubt there will ever be a "world language."

As near as I could figure, Globish is somewhat like "text-speak."

Men, are you aware of how some women view us? Apparently we are sloppy, piggish and thoughtless. (Another law firm? Sloppy, Piggish and Thoughtless).

1. No matter what they call it; dirty, annoying or disgusting, leaving the toilet seat up is on every list. According to an article in Woman's Day, there is a solution.

First, let him know that you find it bothersome to always have to check to see if you’re about to make more of a splash than you intended. Second, “turn it into a compromise,” advises relationship expert Dunken Hinds. “Suggest that the toilet be kept fully closed between uses—neither in the seat-up ‘man’ position or the seat-down ‘woman’ position.” That way, you both have to do a little work........to this I say, BART, US GOVERNMENT and GLOBISH. 

Does real compromise begin in the bathroom? If future generations of men learn to close the toilet seat, global agreements may flourish.

2. Leaving dirty anything around the house: It seems guys are supposed to pick up their dirty clothes. Woman are organized. Somewhere in the house you'll find a hamper, basket or small bucket. Ball up your dirty socks and shoot some hoops. 

Do the dinner dishes when the lady of the house cooks. And wash the bottom of the plates and bowls.

3. He doesn't listen: A man may have a bad habit of not tuning in when you talk, but to be fair to him, he may simply not know how he’s supposed to react. Men, with few exceptions, are not trained animals, and we're dumb.

Make sure you‘re very clear about what you need, whether it’s a sounding board, an opinion or a “You go, girl!” We need as much help as we can get. 

One of the top ten most annoying habits is talking with your mouth full. Ladies, if you want to talk, please wait until we're done eating. It would also be a good idea to wait until our program is over.

4. Forgetting important dates: Some women say they don't expect us to remember first date dates or first kiss dates. But we should never forget an anniversary or birthday.

5. Buying thoughtless gifts: Gifts are in the eye of the receiver: Some women love elaborate handmade stuff; others just want something sparkly. Some are thrilled with the meeting of a practical need (snow tires, for example), while others are after the well-researched “perfect” gift. The bad habit of getting the wrong gift for you stems from the fact that most men don’t have the same emotional connection to the meaning of gifts as women do.

Make up your mind. Guys, we just can't win. We forget important dates and if we remember, we buy lousy gifts. Woman's Day:

“Tell him about a time that an old boyfriend got it wrong, and use that as a springboard for letting him know what kind of gift you prefer." Sheli Stutz founder of ManFixer says, "I had a college boyfriend spend an ungodly amount on a car stereo system when all I wanted was a pretty bag or pair of shoes!”

Why would any so-called ManFixer think telling us about an old boyfriend would help? We don't want to know you HAD old boyfriends let alone what they bought you. And never expect us to buy a "pretty bag" or a "pair of shoes," ever. 

6. When we do not open doors: A word to the wise, men lose "points" when they don't hold a car door open for a lady. Always hold a door open and allow her to walk in a place before you.

I'm shocked men are allowed to live in the house. We should be out in the garage. More common complaints include; snoring, drooling, scratching, farting, nose picking and toe nail clipping (in bed or the living room).

Speaking of the bedroom, apparently men are guilty of skipping foreplay, being lazy, not returning favors, sticking to signature moves and going too long (is this sex or a ballgame?).

So, we have problems if we are too fast or too slow. Problems if we forget gifts or buy the wrong type. Problems when we leave the toilet seat up or don't open doors. We can't clip toenails in bed or leave beard shavings in the sink. Men should always pick up dirty clothes and offer to wash dishes. 

We need to listen and respond and never watch sports more than ten hours a day. 

I can't take all this pressure.