The Straws Are Bigger.....

If you share your home with cats you'll understand.

I suffered through Sunday Night Football. Bad enough the S.F. 49ers didn't show up, severe weather delayed for game for an hour. It ran late, wasn't very entertaining and I switched channels before the end. 

I didn't know the Miss America Pageant is still around. Those ladies look different but they all move the same way. Obviously there's a "parade wave" and a "pageant walk." After two minutes I went back to the football game. Great white teeth and silicone. I can only take so much.

Sunday nights Wanda usually goes to sleep early. After the lousy game I read until about eleven. I did the normal before bed chores, teeth brushing and such, walked into the bedroom and saw Wanda sleeping diagonally across our queen size bed. I had several choices. 

I could curl up in a fetal position on the bottom left corner of the bed, I could curl up in a fetal position on the top right corner of the bed or I could sleep in the twin bed in the computer room. This is a one television two bed home.

Based on conversations I've had with people our age lots of couples spare rooms are not just for company. We're not even close to "Hope Springs" and I'm sure we never will be. But every so often I fall asleep in the spare room. It's usually a work night for Wanda. I wake up every couple of hours and don't want to disturb her. I've never been much of a sleeper. I attribute that to my screwy nurse hours.

I couldn't get in our bed so I went in the computer room. Our old outside who now lives inside cat Sparky was laying on the foot of the twin bed. He seems happy living in the house but looks at us like we're both cat ax murderers. He sits on my lap but if I look at him sideways he runs away. He was sleeping and I didn't want to disturb him. I slowly moved to the side of the bed, lowered my rear end, and sat on Steve. Steve didn't move and now I had two cats giving me the evil eye.

I slept on the living room couch until three o'clock this morning.

While I'm on the subject of cats. 

When we got home from the store Saturday morning the computer desk was in disarray. The lower right file drawer and the printer slide shelf were both open. I pushed the printer in and tried to close the drawer, but something was blocking it. It stayed open about six inches so I tried again and again. Finally I put some force behind it and heard MEOW, RAER, MEOW.

What kind of a stupid cat sleeps behind a drawer? Or a washing machine, furnace or hot water heater? 

A few weeks ago Sparky ran out the patio door. He bolted to the back part of the yard, scratched around and pooped, then he peed. He covered it all and ran back in. I wonder if he'd been holding it for eight weeks he'd been in the house? I better show him the litter boxes again. 

Last Friday I received an e-mail from AARP titled, Charles, 7 Reasons Why You Are Fat. Well, F.U. AARP, and the horse you rode in on.

But wait: I'm so insulted I must check out the seven reasons.

1. You Don't Plan at the Buffet: Researchers at Cornell University observed patrons at all-you-can-eat buffets. They found that only 33 percent of overweight customers checked out the full buffet before serving themselves, while 71 percent of normal-weight diners did so. 

They say to look before you take and you'll be less likely to overfill your plate. I say look before you take and you'll be less likely to fill up on bread and carbs. Ever notice all the filling inexpensive food is at the front of the buffet line? Bypass that stuff and go right to the shrimp, crab and langostino. I don't know what a langostino is but I love the word.

2. You're Not Sleeping Enough: This study was done at the University of Colorado. Although insufficient sleep can actually increase your body's metabolism, people who spent a week sleeping only five hours a night ate far more than those who spent nine hours. The short sleepers gained an average of two pounds.

Well no crap. How about that! Just what do they think people are going to do with those four hours in the middle of the night, play canasta? 

3. You Need To Relax More: Stress causes many of us to eat more. Hey, you're AARP, The American Association of Retired People, we're not supposed to be stressed. But if you are, find something to help you relax. Smoke some weed. You will still eat but it'll be a lot more fun.

4.  You're Surrounded By Excess: Bacon cheeseburgers on a buttered glazed-doughnut bun? Peanut butter-and-bacon ice cream shakes? There have never been more opportunities to consume comically fattening products. Just say "NO."

I know this kind of food(?) is out there. We watch "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" once in a while. I've seen deep fried Snickers bars made. But who at the age of any reason eats this stuff? We have the knowledge of our own mortality but treat our bodies with disrespect. I know it's hard but diet and exercise should come before fat and calories.

5. You're Eating Addictive Food: I love this one. Some researchers believe salt, sugar and fat to be additive ingredients. Potato chips, "Betcha can't eat just one."

6. You Drink Soda Through A Straw: The Washington Post recently noted drinking straws have grown in diameter since the 1980's from an estimated .21 inches to .28 inches. Bigger straws make it easier to suck up more sweet stuff. A 12 ounce soda (small serving these days) equals 8 to 13 teaspoons of sugar.

The diameter of the straws is bigger? They're kidding, right? There are certainly things to be concerned about when discussing things sucked through straws, but soda? I don't think so. You're either a soda drinker, or your not. Just because you have a bigger straw doesn't mean you have a larger bladder. 

7. Your Tiny Breakfast, Big Dinner: Eating your large meal late in the day, or early evening, gives you less time to work it off. That is unless you are stressed out and sleeping less than five hours a night. If that's the case you may as well get up and exercise.

I know losing weight and getting in shape isn't easy. It takes a commitment and time and lots of energy. I recently read an article about Bill Clinton. He is now eating a vegan diet. He's dropped thirty pounds and feels great. I'm not suggesting vegan but passing on the buttered popcorn isn't that difficult.