Today is Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day!
This day serves as a reminder that we don’t need to stress over all the little mistakes in our past. Leave your worries behind, and greet the new day with optimism and a positive outlook!
The saying “don’t cry over spilled milk” is an age-old proverb that has been around for hundreds of years. The first historical reference to the phrase appears in a document written by British historian James Howell in 1659. The saying most likely comes from European folklore. According to the old tales, fairies were particularly fond of milk and would drink up any spills left behind.
To celebrate Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day, let bygones be bygones. Don’t worry about the little things that are in the past, and instead focus on the wonderful things that are headed your way!
Saying that the experimental procedure was a complete success, doctors at
“We’re pleased to report that Ms. Goldman’s operation went well, allowing her to continue saddling loved ones with $40,000 in hospice bills over each of the next two years,” said Dr. Jordan Burnet, adding that, thanks to the hard work of a dedicated team of physicians, Goldman should have no trouble burdening family members with not only the obligation to visit her on weekends and holidays, but also to deal with and compensate for her steadily declining mental faculties.
“The risks associated with such a new surgery were high, but Ms. Goldman pulled through, and can now look forward to spending at least the next 24 months with her increasingly fatigued and exasperated children as they shuttle her around endlessly from one medical checkup to another. This truly has given her a new, and terribly high-maintenance, lease on life.”
When reached for comment, family members said they were overjoyed the surgery had slightly delayed the headache of arranging Goldman’s funeral.
Noting that the chances of one reaching the planet’s surface are largely dependent on speed and angle of entry, a study released Thursday by the University of Texas Department of Astronomy found that the majority of blessings from God burn up while passing through Earth’s atmosphere.
“We discovered that due to the thickness and density of the gases surrounding our planet, 80 percent of God’s graces will completely disintegrate by the time they are about 75 to 100 kilometers away from the surface,” said professor Donald Northcote, adding that his team’s observations suggest that roughly 19 million of the Lord’s blessings vaporize in the mesosphere on any given day.
“Even the largest and most generous of God’s gifts will be reduced to many minute fragments of His original intention during the journey, and the rare blessing that reaches the ground will be much smaller than it was in Heaven. Moreover, those divine blessings that manage to make it through the atmosphere typically fall harmlessly into the ocean without humans even realizing it.”
Northcote told reporters that a particularly powerful blessing from God that struck Earth during the Cretaceous Period is believed to have wiped out 75 percent of the world’s species.
In an effort to improve quality and refreshment levels, the Environmental Protection Agency announced Tuesday that municipalities around the country will begin adding a combined 500 million squirts of fresh lemon to the
“Starting this week, water utility workers will infuse the nation’s drinking supply with enough lemon to ensure that the 30 billion gallons of water that citizens use daily has a crisp, invigorating taste,” said EPA administrator Gina McCarthy, detailing a plan to add a “bit of zest” to the country’s potable water reserves by spritzing the juice contained in hundreds of millions of individual lemon wedges into reservoirs, wells, and freshwater lakes throughout all 50 states.
“We believe the hint of citrus will both taste great and leave citizens’ hands smelling nice and lemony whenever they wash them. For decades, Americans have been forced to make do with the bland, flavorless water coming out of their faucets, and we believe this latest effort will really liven things up.”
According to sources, the EPA hopes its new plan will be met more favorably than its decision last year to supplement the water supply with 350 million tons of whey protein powder to bulk up the nation’s muscle mass.
Saying that he was unable to focus fully on the storyline or hear crucial parts of the dialogue, area man Richard Heller told reporters that his girlfriend talked through a whole goddamn Papa John’s commercial Sunday evening.
“As soon as the ad came on, she started yapping about something she was reading online and I totally missed what Peyton [Manning] said to Papa John,” said Heller, explaining that his girlfriend’s careless and persistent interruption of the 30-second spot prevented him from catching the full list of ingredients on the pizza chain’s new Fritos Chili Cheese Pizza.
“I know Papa John said something about how it took 30 years for him to put Fritos on a pizza, but I have no idea what happened next. Why can’t she just wait to talk about this stuff during the game?” Heller said he could always rewind the DVR to find out how much the large specialty pizza costs, but that it wouldn’t be the same.
I have a busy and productive day planned.
I have empty totters to retrieve from the curb. I also have an eye appointment to check my vision and hopefully order new glasses. I keep telling myself this time, after all these years, I will look at the frame first and the price second.
Thanks to The Onion for part of the blog material today.
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