It's More than a Fashion Statement.

In addition to drinking tea, eating sardines, wearing food stains and forgetting to zip up my fly I can add a few more things to my list of Oh Hell I'm Really Getting Old.

I admit it; sometimes I wake up in the morning and put on the same things I wore the prior day. I know I often say I take showers once or twice a week but honestly, I do clean up more often. With our recent rain I may even start to shower four times a week. I mean really, who will see me if I don't go out? It's not like anyone is going to visit or you have Smell O' Rama on your computer (now that's a thought for the future).

Please don't get the wrong idea here. I'm not like the bachelor in the movies who takes socks out of the dirty clothes hamper and smells them before he decides what to wear, I have more than enough socks and underpants to get by until Wanda does the wash. I know my way around a laundry room but she insists on being the only one to use the machine and she doesn't like me touching her delicates.

So there are those nights when clothes get piled on the floor before I roll into bed. In the morning I put on whatever I find. Then I make coffee and get on with my day.

This was one of those mornings. 

It was dark when I got dressed at 6:35. Last night I'd left my slippers in the family room and I glanced down as I padded to the kitchen to start the coffee, I don't truly wake up until my second cup, but I was awake enough to notice I was wearing two different socks.

I don't mean one left and one right sock, I mean two dissimilar styles of footwear. My socks were as incompatible as me and the bad spouse. I was wearing one grey sock with dark horizontal stripes at the ankle and a beige one with brown designs. In retrospect I guess it could have been even more appalling, I could have been wearing mismatching Argyles.

It isn't that I'm wearing a hole in the toe of one sock, too cheap to throw out its mate. I am not one of these guys with a slew of mismatched socks who just decides no one will notice. I went to get my haircut yesterday wearing two different socks, what's the big deal? I'm sure it happens.

I had another pair just like it at home.

And I owe Wanda and Son-in-Law Eric's parents an apology.

I'm paraphrasing here which is something I find myself doing more often because I can't remember the exact quote. 

"Sometimes what my brain thinks is funny isn't very when it comes out of my mouth."

See, I think the visual, here you'll need to take my word for it as you do not want to picture me, a squeegee and a glass door seconds after a shower, of my sometimes futile effort to keep our bathroom looking brand new is funny. I bitch and moan about water splashed on the granite counters. I complain about hard water spots on the corners of the door guides and talk about cleaning the area with Q-tips. I prattle on, longing for the good old days when I could drip on the floor and not give a damn, when I didn't have multi-colored Chamois towels placed in strategic locations in the room. I talk about the time when my hygiene took precedence over the bathrooms.

I do not hate the remodel. After almost a year it still looks great. My complaining about a little extra work to keep it looking new is just me trying to be funny and also, subtly, admitting I am somewhat lazy. To be honest, it's much easier living like a slob.

So to Wanda, I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you in any way.

And to Alan and Susan and by the way, we enjoyed spending Thanksgiving with you and your wonderful family, I was kidding. I love the toilet room. When I got home I realized this was not the first time I've voiced my concerns about it. You two have heard all this before. I hate to think I'm turning into one of those relatives who tell the same stories every holiday and for that I apologize. If you ever hear this again, please tell me to shut the fuck up.

I'll come up with other topics of conversation. We can talk about bursitis, or my prostate.

Recently I've noticed my ears are beginning to rival the size of Lyndon Baines Johnson in his last years in office. Fortunately I have several fashionable Watch Caps I wear to cover and shield them from view. I think sans ears I look 10 to 15 years younger. Ah, if I'd been born wealthy I think an earectomy would be in my future.

And contrary to geriatric information my nails seem to be growing faster as I age. It's that or my life is so devoid of excitement each time I clip them is an event to remember. 

You may find this odd but I always go outside to trim my nails and beard. The clippings are biodegradable, I'm not concerned with anyone stealing and planting my DNA at a crime scene and it helps keep the new bathroom clean.

The speed of finger and toenail growth has surged by nearly a quarter over the past 70 years, a new study has revealed.

Researchers from the University of North Carolina compared results to a study of nail growth published by Oxford University in 1938 and another study from 1958.

The results revealed that big toenails now grow by more than 2mm a month, compared with 1.65mm in the thirties.

Thumbnail growth rate was 3mm a month in 1938 and 3.06mm in the fifties study.

However, the average thumbnail now grows by 3.55mm a month – an increase of more than half a millimeter over seven decades.

Scientists monitored 195 fingernails and 188 toenails over three months and published the findings in the Journal of the European Academy of Dermatology and Venereology last week.

The results also showed that fingernails now grow by 3.47mm every month, almost twice as fast as toenails.

Researchers said: ‘A rapid change in the environment, lifestyle and health conditions such as diet, physical activity and body composition has occurred over the past 30 years.

Teresa Smith, director of the mobile manicure service nailsatwork said, "Nail length has increased that's for sure. I find I need to cut nails down more on my middle-aged clients."

It takes ten months for a full toenail to grow, while fingernails take six months.

Scientists have also discovered that head sizes of infants have grown at a faster rate since 1930.

According to the academic journal Intelligence, the average head circumference of a one-year-old increased by about 1.5cm between 1930 and 1985.

I'm anxiously looking forward to the 2015 report. 

Larger heads, now that is something to look forward to.

I'm going to need a bigger hat.