How Not To Behave at the Dinner Table.....and more.

Father's Day is always somewhat difficult to celebrate. 

Every year I'm reminded of my questionable DNA base. I could be the third son of Irving the Barber or the closeted heir of Phil the Coal-Man. 

Yesterday I got to thinking about who is the 'head father' at a Father's Day Celebration. Is it the oldest father or the father with the most children, in which case it would always be that Duggar guy, which is just plain wrong. 

It's time for me to stop concerning myself with Irving and Phil and concentrate on Jennifer, Rebecca, Nick, Grace, Eric and Tim.

Yesterday I was treated to a Father's Day BBQ and a wonderful afternoon at the home of Older Daughter Jennifer and Son-in-Law Eric. Also in attendance were Eric's parents, Nurse and Fellow Classmate Susan and Sixteen Months My Senior Alan. Alan and I each got two cards which was nice. Jenn noticed they were in the wrong envelopes so after reading them we switched. 

All of us parents are the same age and if I say so myself, in great shape. We plan to be around for many years to come. Now this brings me to another issue, an apology I owe.

Dear Jennifer,

I'm sorry if I overly emphasized our ages in the near future. I hope I didn't upset or distress you with a reminder of our extra senior years when Nick will be the adult, you and Eric the "elder statesmen," and Wanda and I will be living in a retirement community in a yurt.

The Internet has so much enthralling information I wish I more time to explore it all.

Way's You Didn't Know You're Being Rude. 

It was not about burping or expelling other gas in public. Nor was it about wearing hats indoors or underpants outdoors. It wasn't about driving slow in the fast lane. Nor was it about driving fast through a neighborhood. It wasn't about having a house party and blasting your music for thirteen hours. It was about restaurant etiquette.

I don't want to waste the time I took to read it so I'll share it with you.

In Chile always use utensils. Even fries are eaten with a fork!

Even fries from McDonald's? Do they have McDonald's in Chile? 

Via the magic of the Internet: Yes, more than seventy of them.

Except in Mexico where it's considered "snobby" to eat with your utensils if the food doesn't specifically need it.

Now when I eat at the Mecca I'll feel less conspicuous having taco grease running down my hands and forearms. Are napkins considered utensils or accouterments?

Never use utensils to eat soup in Burundi. You should pick-up the bowl and sip or eat like Donkey in the second Shrek.

Sprinkling salt on your dish in Egypt is considered insanely rude. Chefs will take it personally as a dig against their cooking. 

With all the things that could be considered rude in Egypt I wouldn't think a pinch of salt would be so terrible.

In Russia, if someone pours you a glass of vodka, you drink it. It's rude to sip. And always eat while you drink. It's considered rude to just sit there getting imbibed.

In Terkmenistan the yearly production of spirits is so low it's rude not to sip your drink. Eating is also encouraged, especially raw carrots and onions.

Never, split the bill in France. If you invite friends to dinner you're expected to pay the tab.

Never split the bill in America. As of July 2014 the first one who answers or even looks at their smart phone pays it.

It's considered rude to talk or text on your cell phone almost everywhere. Some actions are even illegal. I wish people were more considerate but I think I'm fighting a losing battle.

I've learned to live with people wandering the isles seemingly talking to themselves and those that empty their cart one-handed while holding their phone's in grocery stores but when I see people drive and text it makes me freaking nuts.

You have a fucking phone.....make a hands free call. 

Are we becoming so detached even vocal communications is too intimate. God, I hope not. 

When I purchased my first computer AOL I.M. was the big thing. You could tell which of your friends was on-line and send them an INSTANT MESSAGE.

Now that instant message is called a text and you can interrupt anyone, anywhere.

"If you’re relaxing at the dinner table in the Far or Middle East, do not kick back. Pointing your feet, particularly the soles, at anyone, is considered extremely disrespectful. Feet and the bottom of shoes are thought to be extremely dirty, and to point dirty feet at someone (or hit them with a shoe) is to say they are lower than the dirt."

It's alright to point dirty feet when not at the table but still considered rude to hit someone with a shoe, especially one with camel dung on its sole.

In Korea it is not polite to take the first bite at a meal. 

As a sign of respect, the oldest at the table must take the first bite. You don't need to wait until they chew and swallow.

In Portugal if your favorite condiment isn't on the table you'll have to do without it. Asking for something that was not previously offered is considered rude. It implies that your host or hostess was not thoughtful and did not do a great job of cooking your meal.

In my childhood home asking for Ketchup, mustard, or seasonings was a must. Drowning my mother's cooking in make-shift sauce was the only way to eat it without making extremely rude comments.

In China, clearing your plate as a sign of gratitude just makes more work for the host or hostess, as they are now required (by their conception of good manners) to keep refilling your plate.

In America cleaning your plate is a sign of approval of the meal you have just enjoyed. 

I've seen a lot of Americans on cruise ships who must think they're eating in China.

I suppose the harping, "Clean your plate there are children starving in China" no longer holds true.

I just spent several hours learning not to show my bare feet, pick various orifices of my body or misbehave at the dinner table of six countries I will never visit.

I also was reminded of how much I like the word utensil.

Like I always say, "Isn't the Internet grand."