Happy Hump Day and Toilet Paper

I'm comfortable using the renovated front bathroom. I finally acknowledge a water spot on the clear glass shower doors or tub enclosure is normal. I no longer feel the need to sit down while I pee. Each time I see a microscopic pool of water on the granite I'm not compelled to wipe it off and mutter about 'spilled water.' I still have a shammi in the room but I don't use it ten times a day.

A few nights before the cruise Wanda was almost asleep when I barged in the bedroom to remind her she left water on the sink top. I'll not do that again. 

Prior to the renovation the bathroom was thirty five-years old. I need to keep reminding myself this will still look nice in five, even ten years. I also need to keep reminding myself if I don't exercise regularly now it's doubtful I'll be able to lift my leg high enough to step in the tub and shower in ten years.

Maybe I should have looked into one of those walk-in-tubs I see in the AARP magazine.

The back bathroom, half bathroom, en suite, or toilet room I don't set foot in. That one is Wanda's.

Now I feel somewhat stuck between the proverbial rock and the hard place. The new bathrooms look so nice the rest of the place appears even worse. I'd like to renovate the kitchen but I'd also like to avoid eating cereal, rice and cat food for the next few years. There's nothing wrong with the kitchen and at this point in my life I don't want to spend the money. 

It's funny; when I was a kid I thought I'd stay young forever. I should have been saving but didn't give a second thought to spending on anything. Now that I should be enjoying my 'twilight years' and spending I'm very particular about where the funds go. I'm not sure what I'm saving for, I suppose its old age. It's rather difficult to plan my demise just prior to that of my bank account.

Last week I went through an entire box of Kirkland very absorbent extra soft unscented tissue. After using white tissue for several days I was taken by surprise when blue squares started popping out of the box. At first I thought they were a slight diversion for sick people and soon hoped to see something resembling a multi-colored scarf pulled from a magician's sleeve. It was nothing so dramatic, only a warning I would soon have an empty container.

It was the first time I used a box of tissue with a built-in warning. In all fairness to my lack of tissue paper knowledge I haven't been sick in years so haven't used much of the stuff and when I do need to blow my nose I use toilet paper.

And while I'm on the subject of toilet paper some company should take the lead from the Kirkland tissue. I think warnings and decorations would be an added bonus to our bathroom sentinels.

The last quarter of the rolls could have colored squares or stars and stripes. Various sayings printed on the paper (in no-run ink) would entertain and be a portent the end (pun intended) is near.

Hey you troll...change the roll

Your hygiene will lack...always front to back

The end is near you're almost there... so please just use one less square

Three things are true about cruise ship toilet paper. It's thinner than the garlic slices Paulie prepped in "Goodfellows." Each time the cabin attendant cleans up he folds a point in the first square. And it is guaranteed to rip and tear off the roll before you get enough to use.

Scientific properties are properties that help identify an item. If touch and sight aren't enough, scientists can use these four tests for material identification.

Absorption and Porosity

Absorption is a scientific property of tissue paper that involves the paper’s ability to take in and hold water and other fluids. The speed of absorption and the amount of liquid that a tissue can hold are both considered important aspects of the property of tissue paper absorption. Porosity is another scientific property of tissue paper and it is closely tied to absorption because it is the pores in tissue paper that absorb fluids.

Tensile Strength

Tensile strength is another scientific property of tissue paper. It is the measurement of a matter's capability to resist tearing or splitting under the pressure of an outside force. Tensile strength in tissue paper is important during both production and consumption. It is important during production so the paper does not rip during the manufacturing process and during consumption so it stands up to consumer usage. Tissue paper tensile strength is measured for both wet and dry tissue.

Tactility

The tactility properties of tissue paper are those that relate to the feel of the paper. These scientific properties include softness, smoothness and fluffiness. Tissue paper is made from either new or recycled paper pulp. The softness, smoothness and fluffiness of tissue paper varies depending upon the quality of the paper pulp, the adhesives used to hold the paper together and the types of additives that are used in the base of the paper and in optional coatings.

Structure

One of the structural scientific properties of tissue paper as mentioned in Section 1 is porosity. Porosity is more specifically defined for tissue paper as the number, size and distribution pattern of pores in a sheet of tissue paper. Additional scientific properties of tissue paper that relate to structure include weight, thickness and density. Density is most commonly defined as the mass of a substance per unit volume.

Have you ever watched the "Buying Alaska" TV show on HGTV? Couples who want to "live off the grid" inspect several properties and choose one to buy and inhabit. Many have no running water, electricity or indoor TOILETS. I would rather pull my own teeth than go out in below zero weather to crap in an outhouse, thank you very much.

Lt. Cmdr. Matt T. Sherman: Subject, Toilet paper. One: on 6 June 1941, this vessel submitted a requisition for 150 rolls of toilet paper. On 16 December 1941 the requisition was returned with stamped notation, 'Cannot identify material required.' Two: the commanding officer of the USS SeaTiger cannot help but wonder what is being used at the Caviti Supply Depot as a substitute for this unidentifiable material once so well known to this command.

"Operation Petticoat"

And you thought it was just something to wipe your bottom. The next time you go to the can I hope you'll take a minute to appreciate all the hard work and research that goes into our toilet paper, for without it we'd all be using leaves.