Yesterday I deleted my first ninety minutes of work. It was a mistake. Like all my writing that disappears, it was among my best. I was so frustrated I didn't try to recreate it. The topic was Things We No Longer Use. I got the idea from a video of a young girl staring at a rotary phone. She didn't know what it was or how to use it.
I was reminded of the 1997 film "In & Out" with Kevin Kline. A young Hollywood model is stranded in a small town motel. She has no idea how to use the rotary phone and tries to push the holes in the dial. When I was a little kid we had a party line. Can you imagine, sharing a telephone line with a stranger. I used to listen in on her conversations and sometimes make odd growling sounds. I'm pretty sure she hated me.
I haven't made out a check or paid a bill by snail mail in years. Actually Wanda pays all the bills on-line but sometimes I look over her shoulder. The one prescription med I take is delivered every ninety days. I can't remember the last time I went into a bank. We have a home phone but its signals go through the high speed cable. The alarm signal is cellular.
We have gone from VCR's to DVD's to DVR's and streaming entertainment. Our large desk tops have become all-in-one wireless computers. Our lap tops have become smart phones. We don't buy film but take digital pictures. We don't read newspapers, write letter or use big yellow phone books.
Technology has made our lives much easier, but is it better?
Dongle: a small piece of hardware that attaches to a computer, TV, or other electronic device, and that when attached enables additional functions such as audio, video, games, data or other services. These services are available only when the dongle is attached.
Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer winner. That is what I'd truly like to be. For if I was an Oscar Mayer winner, mornings would be much more fun for me.
Oscar Mayer is giving meat fans the chance to wake up to the sound-and smell-of bacon every morning.
The company's Wake Up and Smell the Bacon app iPhone dongle is a complete overhaul of the iPhone's alarm. The dongle plugs in the iPhone's headphone jack and, when paired with the app, plays the sounds and releases the smell of frying bacon.
Oscar Mayer is only making a limited number of devices, which won't be available for sale. Fans will have a chance to apply for a shot of winning one by taking a quiz on Oscar Mayer's website.
Or you could get your ass out of bed thirty minutes earlier and fry up your own bacon. Add eggs and toast and you have a dandy breakfast.
Here are some other iPhone and Android apps of interest.
1. Pull My Finger: Pretty self explanatory for every guy and more than a few of the women who live with them. See the picture of the hand and slide over the index finger for a large array of fart sounds. Like Oscar Mayer bacon, a dongle will be available for sale this summer to add fragrance to the sounds.
2. The Nagging App: You have your choice of bad spouse, current spouse and even mother-in-law. Wake up in the morning to a reminder of what a worthless piece of shit you are.
3. Food Calorie App: If you are counting calories and need some help just snap a picture of the food. The app calculates the calories for you. There are certain issues with various sauces, pasta noodles and other look alike food but it does a fairly good job.
4. Put That Back: For the compulsive shopper. Set this app and your smart phone senses the extra weight of a potential purchase and quietly tells you to "Put That Back." The longer you hold the product the louder the voice becomes.
5. The Blower: If you can't be bothered blowing out candles this app will do it for you. It also comes in handy on very warm summer evenings.
6. Where Did I Go: Planning a big night out on the town? Set this app before you leave the house and it checks your location every thirty minutes. If you have a hangover in the morning and can't remember were you went just recheck the app.
7. Cheer Me Up: Listen to non stop rapid-fire jokes guaranteed to make you laugh. This app has settings for clean and off-color jokes.
8. Virtual Pet: You choose from dozens of pets. Tropical fish are beautiful to watch. Parrots speak hundreds of words. Dogs bark and cats purr. You have the companionship of a real pet without any of the responsibilities.
9. Help Me Talk: This is a great app for the shy guy who wants to meet a lady. Full of various ice-breakers it will randomly select and actually say them for you. Simply walk up to a woman and push the app. Hear such lines as "Do you come here often?" "Can I buy you breakfast in the morning?" and "Your dad must be a baker because you have a great set of buns."
10. The Black Eye: This app is really a mirror.
11. Call Me Seymour: This app will gently insult you and also offer suggestions for improvement. You're guaranteed to be a better and more productive person in a few short months.
12. Talk to the Dentist: When that gabby dentist or hygienist asks you a question you can't answer let this app do it for you. Programmed with over two thousand mundane responses it will take over when your mouth is full of instruments and/or fingers.
13. Hard Boiled Eggs: Always perfect hard boiled eggs are guaranteed if you use this app. Press the timer when the water starts to boil and it tells you when to remove the eggs.
14. Stop the Calls: If you have tried the Do-Not-Call list but still get annoying phone calls set this app to answer for you. Answer and respond in your choice of seventeen languages including Bengali, Turkish, Punjabi and Khmer. This works for both a smart phone and a land line with call forwarding.
15. Make Me Young: Snap a selfi and use this app to see your likeness from ten, twenty or thirty years ago. Go as young as you dare.
16. Mirror Mirror: Remember Snow White and the Wicked Witch? Use this app and just like the story you'll hear who's the fairest in the land.
17. The Poison Apple: After the last few don't worry about this app, just eat the real thing.
I'll be back Monday with more news and information.
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