Renovations and Warnings...

Did you know the average person walks around 1,300 miles per year? In my time I've walked 78,000 miles, that's three times around the earth. 

I didn't actually WATCH this commercial this morning, it was on while I was making a latte on the opposite side of the room.

Are you on Medicare?

Do you suffer from knee pain?

If the answer to both these questions is yes then call us now. Our company will handle all the paperwork and you will receive a knee brace absolutely free. 

Well, of course I have pain; I've been walking on these knees for sixty-five-years, OK, maybe just 60. I may have been in diapers when I was five but I was walking. You're probably wondering why I was still in diapers when I was five. This sometimes happens when you're an "oops" baby born to a woman almost forty. A tired woman almost forty who already had two grown kids. She couldn't be 'bothered' with toilet training....Did I really just write that? Calling Dr. Freud.

By the time a person is a senior citizen they have logged a lot of miles on their knees. I don't mean they have actually walked ON their knees, god, that would be painful, they've walked on their feet flexing, bending and putting weight on their knees. The company charges Medicare $729 for a neoprene sleeve with a hole in it. It must be a very good brace. Like the hammers and toilet seats the army buys.

I'm beginning to think our population is getting dumber and dumber. I don't honestly know (and I'm too lazy to research it) if the ever present disclaimers on commercials are to protect the manufactures, as in 'you can't sue us' or because of the growing trend of people doing stupid things and filming themselves.

One of the first I noticed several years ago was car's can't really fly. Current disclaimers are: This is a fantasy; Cars can't really jump on trains. And the State Farm Insurance disclaimer; don't ride on plane wings.

 DON'T THEY THINK WE KNOW THIS?

The Fiat commercial? You know the one. Disclaimer: Young boy didn't actually see two naked women in this car. 

"I don't care if Jimmy's dad let him use their car to jump on a train, you're not taking ours. If Jimmy jumped off a mountain on ski's wearing a flight suit, would you do it too?"

I'm now officially too old for modern technology.

I don't give a crap if my smart phone (if I had one) can be used like a remote control for my television. I already HAVE a remote control for my television. It's bad enough I waste time watching TV, I don't need a phone with in reach when I do it.

Wanda and I made a list of improvements we want to make around the house. It's a long list with some major renovations. After careful consideration I said we should have a new number one; sell the place and move. If we do that we can cross off the other fifteen things.

It seems our house is in need of more than a knee brace.

Our house turns forty next year. 

We've done a lot over the last ten years. New aluminum roll-up garage door (with windows), new roof and gutters, new double pane windows and patio door. We replaced the front door and added a locking security screen door. The furnace and A.C. system are relatively new. The house has an alarm system. We took off the popcorn and had the ceilings refinished.

We still have the original kitchen. We replaced and refaced the cabinet doors, hardware and facing but the cabinets and counter are original and so are the bathrooms. 

The lack of water situation here in California is scary and we're both feeling wasteful when we flush our old toilets. I told Wanda I'm going to start peeing in the back yard but she didn't think that was the solution.

We already have a low water washing machine and have a new dishwasher ordered. We take quick showers and keep a bucket in there to catch water for the plants. We don't have a lawn and have a very low water usage drip system. We are doing all this to help conserve water and every time we flush the toilet five gallons go down the drain.

I'm telling you all this because we decided to order new water efficient toilets. These new ones are duel flush and use 1.0 or 1.6 gallons per flush. Our water district is offering rebates of up to $100. Now seemed like the time to make these changes. Then Wanda and I talked a little more about this house.

If we're going to buy new toilets, both bathrooms could use new vanities, sinks and fixtures. The front bathroom needs a new floor and shower and door and tub and cabinets and lights and, well, everything. So we decided to hire a contractor and gut and remodel the entire room....all of it....everything.

On Saturday we bought so much, at 7:30 p.m. our banks fraud department called. They saw unusual activity: "We see your husband actually used his credit card for a purchase over $19.99 and wanted to make sure your card wasn't compromised." They know me so well.

We now have everything we need for a brand new bathroom. The tile and the tub, the vanity, sink and fixtures. The towel racks, if a circle ring thing is called a rack, the lights and the toilet paper holder. Last I heard work is supposed to start this week. 

Yesterday Wanda baked a gazillion cookies. She put them in the freezer for the guys. I hope they show up and like chocolate chip. It would take me two years to eat them all, and lord knows, I don't need extra weight. My knees are bad enough now.

I'll keep you informed of the progress.

Bet you didn't know you may have some very dangerous things in your kitchen. According to TheDailyMeal.com here are a few.

1. Mandolin: This is a utensil that looks like the go-down part of a slide. It's usually held at an angle and is used to slice things like tomatoes, potatoes and zucchini. Be careful, it has a razor sharp blade and you don't want thumb in your stew.

Captain Corelli's Mandolin was a best selling book and a 2001 so-so movie with Nick Cage and Penelope Cruz. I don't think it had much to do with the kitchen utensil.

2. Meat Grinder: When I was a kid my Grandma Sophie had a heavy metal meat grinder she would clamp on the counter. It had a manual crank handle and she used it often. Now they're made out of plastic and have a motor. Does anyone really grind their own meat these days? 

3. Meat Slicer: They're kidding, right? Who has an electric meat slicer in their kitchen? I've been using a sharp knife and a fork for years.

4. Food Processor/Blenders: They have sharp blades so keep your hands away from them. This is as stupid as cars don't jump on trains. 

5. Skewers: They have sharp pointy ends. The expression: "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick" was first used at a shish kabob party.

All good things to be aware of but they forgot a few.

6. Hot Water: You need hot water to thoroughly clean the dishes but be careful you don't scald yourself. Wear rubber gloves, use the dishwasher or even better, use recycled biodegradable paper plates. You can use them for several meals then put them in a compost bin. Here in California if we don't get some rain this year we may need these.

7. Knives: Don't cut yourself, you'll bleed. At best a band-aid will cover the cut. At worst you'll need to go to the emergency room and get stitches. If you can't get a ride you'll drive yourself and get blood all over the car interior and steering wheel. Once you get to the E.R. it'll take hours. You may sit next to someone who has no insurance or family doctor and came to the emergency room with flu symptoms. You may get the flu and die. If you don't die you'll faint when you get the bill. So be very, very careful with kitchen knives.

8. The Stove: Again....car's can't jump on trains. Pretty obvious don't you think. Gas or electric burners can get very hot so it's a good idea not to touch them.

I had an aunt that smoked. She had very long blond hair. She would fire up the stoves gas burner, 'sweep' her hair to one side, turn her head, lean down and light her cigarette off the burner. 

Those were the days!