Flying High.....

The first time I traveled by air I was ten. The last time I traveled by air I was sixty. During the fifty years between the two I logged a lot of hours in airplanes. 

To say I hated every minute would be an exaggeration. I had a good experience when I flew first class to Taiwan and back in 1985. 

Upon my return home the bad spouse greeted me with, "Are the giving of these gifts (I bought a few things while there) predicated on our conversation of this evening?" "No, of course not." I said, "Why?" "Because, I want a divorce."

Well that put a damper on my first class flight euphoria.

I'm sure you have heard the expression "When a door closes a window opens" or is it, "When a window closes a door opens?" Or maybe "When a window closes another window opens?" Back in 1985 I had several windows close and open, all of them on the 29th floor. I didn't go anywhere for several years. But eventually an elevator door opened and I waltzed right in. I'm sure glad I did.

I don't fly much these days. Wanda isn't comfortable in a metal tube at 30,000 feet. She'll fly if she has to, we flew to Europe six years ago, but she prefers to keep her feet on the ground. I can take it or leave it. I don't have an issue with the actual up in the air flying but I hate the getting to the plane. The long lines, the shoe removal and the waiting I can do without.

A few years ago I flew Southwest to Detroit. Wanda drove me to the Oakland airport. Traffic was a mess; we arrived about thirty minutes before my flight. I checked my one bag curbside, got through the check-in lines and with shoes in hand I ran all the way to the gate in my sock-ed feet (sock-ed is a perfectly acceptable word in my world). I made the flight.

I had an uneventful flight and upon my arrival in Detroit I wandered down to the incoming baggage area. Over the next half hour I watched suitcases, boxes, skies and musical instruments slide down to the carousel and go around and around and around. Eventually it stopped and I was still standing there. I never got my suitcase and had to visit 'customer service.'

After waiting on line behind a man who left his three loaves of San Francisco sourdough bread on the flight and a woman who thought she was in Chicago I asked about my suitcase. I said, "I didn't get my suitcase." I was told it was "on the next flight and will be here in two and a half hours." Then I was told the reason. "Curbside baggage must be checked at least thirty minutes before the flight and yours was twenty eight. It will be on the next flight."

Why didn't the guy who took my suitcase and my three bucks, who happened to LOOK AT HIS WATCH, say something? He knew the time constraints. It wasn't a big bag I could have checked it direct, in the gangway. Or, it would have fit in the overhead. Or, at the very least he might have told me I was cutting it close and it may not make it. 

I think I know why he kept quiet. The airport workers and flight attendants put up with so much aggravation, it was revenge.

I read an article the other day entitled TSA's Strange Finds.

Flare guns, novelty bombs, bricks, pepper spray hidden in a lipstick tube, loaded guns and smoke grenades are listed as "strange finds." I don't find them strange at all. I think these are bonehead finds from stupid people. 

Who brings a loaded gun, flare or otherwise, through a security checkpoint? I can't get passed them with my cell phone.

Here are a few the article missed.

The Ontario airport is holding a prosthetic leg with a size seven Ugg leather boot. "We have it in the lost and found for pick-up. It's a left size seven and a very expensive looking boot it is." 

Denver TSA recently removed a cricket bat from a passenger's carry-on. "The guy said he was on the way to a match in Nebraska but he looked rather shady. You ask me, he was one of those S N M types. I bet he was gonna use it to spank someone."

This from the Las Vegas airport. A femur and tibia were discovered in a small canvas carry-on. The man who claimed the bones said he was going out to the desert to "dig a hole." They were not human as first suspected but dog bones. He was a huge fan of the movie "Casino" and had a scene reenactment on his "bucket list."

A new and very eager TSA agent in Ft. Wayne, Indiana detained a 76-year-old woman who had eight dozen hard boiled eggs in her carry-on. She was taking them to her daughters in Indianapolis for Easter. "I would drive myself if I still had a car, it's only 126 miles, she said. So now I have to take this infernal three hour flight and deal with Sheriff Taylor here." In defense of the agent he apologized and said he thought they were hand grenades.

You can't take a box cutter, ice pick or meat cleaver in your carry-on but you can pack your ice skates. Axes, hatchets and crow bars are a big NO but a screwdriver seven inches or less is OK. Banned are spray paint, fire extinguishers and chlorine for pools and spas, but you can pack small compressed gas cartridges.*

*Up to two in life vests and 2 spares. The spares must accompany the life vests and present as one unit.

Items that can go in checked luggage (and isn't that comforting) but not a carry-on include: Sabers, Scissors and Swords. Baseball Bats, Spear Guns, Bows AND Arrows. Any type of gun or realistic replica. Hammers, Drills and Saws. Black Jacks, Brass Knuckles, Kubatons (I have no idea) and Throwing Stars.

Cattle Prods can't go in carry-on luggage but you can pack them. 

And, so you know the TSA is looking out for your well being, these are banned items, carrry-on or checked: Dynamite, Blasting Caps, Plastic Explosives, Gasoline, Gas Torches, Lighter Fluid and Marijuana (including both medical and non medical).

I understand the pot, no lighters or matches or smoking for that matter. However, the banned list does not include brownies, cookies or cake.

Just the idea that people need a banned item list is enough to keep me off airplanes for the rest of my life.

And finally, I feel the need to include this as I think it says it all.

Snow Globes (unless otherwise prohibited)**

**Snow Globes that appear to contain less then 3.4 ounces (approximately tennis ball size) will be permitted if the entire snow globe, including the base, is able to fit in the same one clear, quart-sized, re-sealable bag, as the passenger's other liquids, such as shampoo, toothpaste and cosmetics.

Your Tax Dollars at Work.