Now I Need To Worry About What?

"How dare you! First you skip Hebrew School and now you're not in shul."

Some drivers in the suburbs north of New York City were startled when they saw a man waving his arms, honking his horn and flashing a silver badge in a frantic effort to get them to pull over in traffic.

Even more surprising was who was suspected of doing it: a respected rabbi.

Rabbi Alfredo Borodowski has been arrested in one case and is being investigated in at least two more in which authorities say the apparent reason for trying to pull people over was to rage at them for cutting him off or driving too slowly.

"That girl was driving too slow and I hate when people do this," the 49-year-old Borodowski told investigators after he was charged with impersonating a police officer in June, when he allegedly pulled his Camry alongside a woman's car in Mamaroneck, flashed a badge and shouted: "Police! Police! Pull over!"

The woman, whose name has not been made public, did not pull over. According to her lawyer, Richard Clifford, the rabbi "just laid on the horn and started screaming at her" as she obeyed a 20-mph limit in a school zone. "She was so freaked out with the horn honking and the screaming that she called police immediately. ... I believe my client was in danger with this guy and if she had gotten out of her car it could have escalated."

You all know what is going to happen now, right?

Coming soon to the A & E network a new reality show: Rabbi-Cop.

See the Rabbi pull unsuspecting people over for speeding, cell phone use and eating pork.

An apple a day may keep the doctor away but the juice can summon a mortician.

Good news, last week the FDA set new limits on arsenic amounts in apple juice. I'm glad there's a government agency that can regulate the amount of poison I may be putting in my system. I don't drink apple juice, but if I did. This new amount is really aimed at little kids. Maybe they should regulate the amount of sugar in the juice?

The new standard specifically targets IN-organic arsenic-the type found in pesticides-which can be toxic and prove a cancer risk if consumed at high levels over long periods of time. Organic arsenic occurs naturally in dirt and soil and passes through the body quickly without causing harm according to the FDA.

These days nothing passes through my body quickly.

The amount of acceptable poison dropped from 28 to 10 parts per billion. I know both 28 and 10 are minute amounts, but like ant legs, roach pieces and rat droppings, it's nice to know what I eat and drink. I need to remember to buy water at Safeway today.

Just one more thing to worry about. 

I was recently informed that I need to close the lid before I flush the toilet. Bactria can float out of the water and the toothbrushes hang close to the toilet. OK, I understand. I sure don't want to brush with yucky bristles.

Every male should know bathroom etiquette. When you shave don't leave hair follliculi in the sink. Lift the toilet seat when urinating and close it when done. It's hard enough to remember when to lift lids and when to put them down. Now I need to time the closing with my flush, or worry about escaping bacteria. Honestly, life can be overwhelming at times.

This may not be the most popular subject in the world but since I'm writing about bathroom etiquette I have a few words on hand washing.

Old joke: Two guys are standing next to one another in front of the urinals. Guy one finishes, zips up (which you regular blog readers know is something I need to work on) and walks out of the restroom. Guy two finishes, washes his hands and walk out as well. Just outside the room he spots the first guy.

"Excuse me, he says. I couldn't help but notice. I went to Ohio State University and while there I was taught to wash up before leaving the bathroom." And the other man says. "Well I went to Harvard, and at Harvard I was taught not to piss on my hands."

Horror of horrors and how shocking. I don't always wash my hands in the men's room. I have a degree in nursing and suffered through microbiology (and I mean suffered). I know when I need to wash my hands and I know when I don't.

I am making a life changing declaration on the blog. Never again will I do the cursory hand wave through the water and waste paper towels so a perfect stranger who I will never again see in my life thinks I'm socially conscience.

Please don't read anything into this as I'm just stating a fact. I don't use Viagra. Even if I did (which I don't) I probably wouldn't read the fine print of possible side effects. I am aware of perpetual erections having treated them (I don't like how that sounds) while working in emergency medicine. I've also written lots of stories about guys and stiffies. But this I didn't know until yesterday.

Possible side effects of Viagra include a sudden loss of vision. So, the guy has a boner and can't see where to put it. Another side effect is a loss of hearing which I suppose would be a good thing if you had a nagging wife.

Another old joke: Question; Are you sexually active? Answer; No I just lay there.

I've never watched so much as one minute of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians." I know one of them recently had a baby and named him North. I know one of them is (or was) married to Bruce Jenner. I also know (based on the TV Guide in the bathroom) starting today Kris (Kardashian) Jenner has her very own talk show. Kris' interview is in the issue.

Question: You have a lot of haters. How do you handle the downside of social media?

Answer: By ignoring it. People feel entitled to sit on their couches in Iowa, saying hurtful things anonymously and with no accountability. All I can do is put out the best me possible. I'm a good person, a good mom, and I think the viewers will see that.

One of her scheduled guests is NeNe Leakes. I don't, nor do I care to, know who this is. Just the name makes me glad I never bothered to try and keep up with the Kardashians.

When I see people like Tom Hanks and Billy Crystal or like the other night, Tom Berenger and I  say, "Man, they sure have aged" I need to run to the closest mirror and look at my reflection. All the entertainers I've grown up with are getting old and dying off. 

All the new ones have names like NeNe.

Why is it always people in Iowa?