Putting More Than His Foot In His Mouth.....

Headline: Michael Douglas Remark Caught On Tape.

Asked by writer Xan Brooks of the U.K. Guardian newspaper whether years of smoking and drinking had overloaded his system, perhaps contributing to his condition, Douglas was quoted as saying, "No. Because, without wanting to get too specific this particular cancer is caused by HPV (virus), which actually comes about from cunnilingus."

I can't imagine what it must be like to have your every word and action scrutinized and dissected by the media. I often talk before thinking but no one cares. I think it's safe to say, in this interview, Michael Douglas pulled a real boner...scratch that. How embarrassing, wonder what his other half thinks?

Now to be fair, he never said, MY CANCER was caused by HPV.

When you're too old to cut the mustard you can still lick the jar. 

Brad Pitt Doesn't Always Smell So Nice?

In talking about action movies Brad says, "You don't always smell so nice with a thousand extras, me included, but it's good fun. Really good fun." I guess that's why we call him Brad PITT. What's sadder ? He said this, they printed it, I read it, or I repeated it?

One is quoted talking about sweaty sex and the other is just plain sweaty.

Invented during WWII, the versatile silver-gray tape was called "Duck Tape" because of its ability to repel water. After the war was over it was most commonly used to hold metal air ducts together, and so "Duct Tape" was born. Over the years people have found a myriad of uses for this versatile product.

I'm sure every person reading this has duct tape somewhere in their home. We keep ours in the kitchen junk drawer. Speaking of junk drawers, and I don't mean underpants, ours is cleaned out every couple of months but is always full. The duct tape will always have a home in that bottom kitchen drawer. Maybe we'll need it for one of these suggestions....you never know? 

Remove Warts: Mixed results on its effectiveness but you may as well try it. What do you have to lose? Other than the wart I mean. Cover it with duct tape every morning for six days, yes I know it'll look funny on your forehead. On the seventh day soak the warts in warm water and exfoliate with an emery board or pumice stone. Repeat this process for as long as two months and there's a good chance the warts will be gone.

You can try this like it says but I'm thinking forget the duct tape. The emery board and pumice stone ought to be enough and you don't need to waste two months. Hell, get an electric sander with rough paper and sand the damn things off.

Prevent Blisters from Ruining a Workout: Cover a newly forming blister with duct tape. If it's already formed, first cover the blister with a piece of paper then the use the tape. Ever hear of band-aids? New running shoes? Really, what's easier to carry in a pocket, a band-aid or a roll of duct tape?

Emergency Bandage: If you're nowhere near a first aid kit when someone develops a cut, apply some sterile, absorbent fabric to the wound...do you see a problem here? Oh, a bandanna or strip of fabric will do in a pinch. Cover the wound and wrap with duct tape. Remember, not too tight.

Make a D.I.Y. Mask for CPR: Fold a large piece of duct tape over on itself, so the sticky sides are together, cut a slit in the center to breath through and place it over the patients mouth. Three things; always remember to hurry, don't put the sticky side down, and be sure to cut the slit.

By the way, the American Heart Association now says if you're not trained in CPR provide uninterrupted chest compressions of about 100 a minute until paramedics arrive. You do not need to try rescue breathing.

Trap Bugs: Hang long strips of duct tape from the ceiling. Use several different colors to make unusual party decor. A week before the event turn on inside lights and open doors and windows. Another idea, if you need or want some exercise, wrap a tennis racket handle, sticky side out, and wave it around at flying bugs.

Keep Socks From Slipping: To prevent slipping on tile floors add a piece of tape to the bottom of your socks. To prevent socks from slipping down your leg wrap tape around your ankle. I think both of these are stupid suggestions but what do I know?

Make an Apron: If you're cooking and don't want to splash on your clothing put long strips of tape together to make an apron. Even better, cook naked.

Remember; if you decide to eat while naked, do not, under any circumstances, use a duct tape napkin.