It's Two Shows In One.....

Dakota has assumed the position next to me. She's sitting on the table, under the lamp, and grooming. A cats licking is supposed to be unobtrusive but in her case it is not. If this cat was a child she'd be the one with an inhaler in her pocket. She would be the one always picked last. When she grooms it sounds like a freight train is in the room. She has runny eyes and a consistent wheeze to her breathing. There's nothing we can do for her, she's lived with it for twelve years. If the woman who licks cats and eats fur lived closer I would give her a call.

Is there any good news today? I've just spent an hour looking and I'm drawing a blank. 

North Korea Threatens Nuclear Strike on U.S., nice morning reading. This shit is never going to end. OK, maybe it will when a crazy person actually lets one of these missiles loose. What I can gather is North Korea is concerned some country will blow them off the face of the earth. To protect themselves they build missiles and test nuclear devices. It's around 5,590 miles from N. Korea to San Francisco. I had such faith Dennis Rodman's visit would ease tensions over there. 

There have been two movies made about impostors. One released in 1961 with Tony Curtis and the later 2002 with Leonardo DiCaprio. In both cases the men forged documentation to assume roles in white collar careers. Educator, airline pilot, doctor, lawyer and the like. The most recent case is of a man that used his forged documentation to hang out in prison.

A 36-year-old ex-con used phony credentials to get into multiple lock-ups where he mingled with inmates for hours. Investigations are ongoing and at this point his motivation is unclear. Jail would be the last place on my list of places to visit.

A 24-year-old had to be rescued after he entered a safe on a dare. Firefighters cut him out after he was trapped for close to an hour. The safe was described as very large. Stupidity and alcohol were both factors in the incident.

This one takes the cake. 

A thief allegedly stole $19,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies. A police incident report filed this week said 450 cases went missing. The cases contained about 5,400 boxes of cookies. The owner of the storage facility has turned over his surveillance tapes. He said all his employees go through extensive background checks. He has vowed to reimburse the Girl Scouts and fire anyone involved in the theft. Police in South Carolina will be watching local supermarkets for anyone making exceedingly large purchases of milk.

If you have any doubt about the economy put your fears away. Things are definitely improving.

A spokesperson for the Tooth Fairy said the average gift went from $2.10 in 2011 to $2.42 in 2012, a 15.2 percent gain. And good news too for children about to lose their first tooth, they can expect around $3.49. The statement revealed Tooth Fairy business is 98 percent cash. The company CEO said. "I'd love to get those few people converted to money. The presents are a pain in the ass."

A reminder to kids everywhere is always be safe. The Tooth Fairy says, "Never ever use a pliers or a hammer and chisel for tooth removal. If the tooth is broken I can't pay for it. Tie a string around the tooth, attach it to a door knob, and slam the door. This method has been working for years."

Sometimes I wonder if I'm offending someone when I rag on television offerings. Just because I think many of the reality shows aren't worth....I'll get back here in a minute.

Ever hear this? "The Vice-Presidency isn't worth a bucket of warm spit?" It was a statement made by John Nance Garner, the V.P. from 1933-1942. It turns out, according to Wikipedia, that is not exactly what he said. When describing the job he did say, the Vice-Presidency "isn't worth a bucket of warm piss." I like it better. I think that spit is more disgusting than piss, but that's just me.

Back to my reality shows.....aren't worth a bucket of any bodily fluid or waste. Just because I feel that way does not mean other people don't enjoy them. This type of programming wouldn't be popular if nobody watched. Having said all this, "Celebrity Wife Swap" is something I can't let go. Please, give me a frigging break.

The matriarchs of two celebrity families swap spouses, kids and homes for a week in order for the families to adapt to changes, as well as appreciate what they already have. A spin-off of "Wife Swap."

It must be good, it's a spin off. These people are celebrities and it doesn't matter why. Regular people get notoriety in the press or on television and that makes them celebrities. The act may be repugnant like cat fur or used paper towel consuming and for that they are famous.

So, if you loved "Wife Swap" be sure to tune into "Celebrity Wife Swap." And while watching it you can play the game, Who's the Celebrity? 

Every so often I even amaze myself! I don't understand how I can be so stupid. Last month after I fed the cat I tried to use my thumb to clean some food stuck under the ridge of the can. You can guess what happens when skin slides across razor sharp metal. I wore a bandage for a week.

I've been using espresso machines daily for three years. I know what I'm doing. A few minutes ago I made a latte. While frothing, the wand slipped above the milk, so I pushed it down using my thumb. The steam wand is metal and the milk was 160 degrees. I wonder how long I'll wear this bandage?