I want an OLDMAN'S HAT.
In addition to drinking tea, eating sardines, wearing food stains, struggling to open things and forgetting to zip up my fly I can add a few more things to my list of Oh Hell I'm Really Getting Old.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and put on the same things I wore the prior day. I often say I take showers twice a week. With our recent rain I may shower four times a week. I mean really, who will see me if I don't go out? It's not like anyone is going to visit or you have Smell O' Rama on your computer (now that's a thought for the future).
Please don't get the wrong idea. I'm not the bachelor in the movies who takes socks out of the dirty clothes hamper and smells them before he decides what to wear, I have more than enough socks and underpants to get by until Wanda does the wash. I know my way around a laundry room but she insists on being the only one to use the machine and she doesn't like me touching her delicates.
So there are those nights when clothes get piled on the floor before I roll into bed. In the morning I put on whatever I find.
Then I make coffee and get on with my day.
This was one of those mornings.
It was dark when I got dressed at 6:35.
Last night I'd left my slippers in the family room and I glanced down as I padded to the kitchen to start the coffee. I don't truly wake up until my second cup, but I was awake enough to notice I was wearing two different socks.
I don't mean one left and one right sock, I mean two dissimilar styles of footwear.
My socks were as incompatible as me and the bad spouse. I was wearing one grey sock with dark horizontal stripes at the ankle and a beige one with brown designs. In retrospect I guess it could have been even more appalling, I could have been wearing mismatching Argyles.
It isn't that I'm wearing a hole in the toe of one sock, too cheap to throw out its mate. I am not one of these guys with a slew of mismatched socks who just decides no one will notice.
Sometimes I go out wearing two different socks, what's the big deal? I'm sure it happens and besides, I have another pair just like them at home.
I owe Wanda a big thank you and an apology.
I'm paraphrasing here which is something I find myself doing more often because I can't remember the exact quote.
"Sometimes what my brain thinks is funny isn't very when it comes out of my mouth."
The bathroom remodel is now two years old.
For almost two years I bitched and complained about water stains. Now she is doing almost all the cleaning.
I think the visual of my sometimes futile effort to keep our bathroom looking brand new is funny. I bitch and moan about water splashed on the granite counters. I complain about hard water spots on the corners of the shower door guides and talk about cleaning the area with Q-tips. I prattle on, longing for the good old days when I could drip on the floor and not give a damn, when I didn't have multi-colored Chamois towels placed in strategic locations in the room. I talk about the time when my hygiene and keeping myself clean took precedence over the bathroom.
I do not dislike the remodel. After two years it still looks great. My complaining about a little extra work to keep it looking new is just me trying to be funny and also, subtly, admitting I am somewhat lazy. To be honest, it's much easier living like a slob.
So to Wanda, I'm so sorry and thank you.
Recently I've noticed my ears are beginning to rival the size of Lyndon Baines Johnson in his last years in office. Fortunately I have several fashionable Watch Caps I wear to cover and shield them from view. I think sans ears I look 10 to 15 years younger.
If I'd been born wealthy an earectomy would be in my future.
Contrary to well known and the most accepted geriatric information my nails seem to be growing faster as I age, that or my life is so devoid of excitement each time I clip them is an event to remember.
You may find this odd but I always go outside to trim my nails. The clippings are biodegradable. I'm not concerned with anyone stealing and planting my DNA at a crime scene and it helps keep the bathroom clean.
Now there is new evidence to support the theory that the speed of finger and toenail growth has surged by nearly a quarter over the past 70 years.
No wonder I need to clip more often.
Researchers from the University of North Carolina compared results to a study of nail growth published by Oxford University in 1938 and another study from 1958.
The results revealed that big toenails now grow by more than 2mm a month, compared with 1.65mm in the thirties.
Thumbnail growth rate was 3mm a month in 1938 and 3.06mm in the fifties study.
However, the average thumbnail now grows by 3.55mm a month – an increase of more than half a millimeter over seven decades.
Scientists monitored 195 fingernails and 188 toenails over three months and published the findings in the Journal of the European Academy of Dermatology and Venereology last week.
The results also showed that fingernails now grow by 3.47mm every month, almost twice as fast as toenails.
Researchers said: ‘A rapid change in the environment, lifestyle and health conditions such as diet, physical activity and body composition has occurred over the past 30 years.
Teresa Smith, director of the mobile manicure service Nailsatwork said, "Nail length has increased that's for sure. I find I need to cut nails down more on my middle-aged clients."
It takes ten months for a full toenail to grow, while fingernails take six months.
Scientists have also discovered that head sizes of infants have grown at a faster rate since 1930.
According to the academic journal "Intelligence", the average head circumference of a one-year-old increased by about 1.5cm between 1930 and 1985.
I'm can't wait to read the 2016 report.
Larger heads, now that is something to look forward to.
I'm going to need a bigger hat.
partial post from 12-14-14
