It's the little things in life......

"Curse you tiny toilet"..............Vector from "Despicable Me."

The other day, out of the blue, I realized I had a future forecast come true.

The bad spouse and I separated when Rebecca was four years old. I found myself in that "Sunday Daddy McDonald's and a Movie" revolving door. One of the many challenging situations was taking my daughter, to the "potty."

Single mothers would take their very young boys into the ladies restrooms. Single fathers would take their young daughter into the men's rooms. I remember doing both since I was the taker and the take-e. My folks were divorced and I well remember those embarrassing trips to the ladies toilet.

The first time I had to take Rebecca into a Men's Restroom I first opened the door and yelled, "Is anybody home?" No answer was good and so in we went. My daughter looked at the urinals lined up against the wall and said, "What are those Daddy?" I thought for a second and replied, "Rebecca, you know how you sit on a toilet to pee, well, men sit on those."

I really hated having to take my little girl in to a men's toilet. I really hated having to stand outside a ladies room while she went in alone. Add one more thing to the "basketball time" list. When my kid was out of my sight like that, each second seemed to last a minute, each minute an hour.

I had one instance at a movie theater when a little boy asked me if I could help him button up. He was wearing a pair of button fly jeans (rather a stupid thing to put on a five year old) and was having trouble. I was on my knees in front of this little kid with my fingers on the buttons of his pants and thought, this is not a great picture, hurry, hurry, hurry.

More than a few times I had awkward situations and wondered why public places didn't have Family Restrooms. Thinking of and following through with something the public needs or wants can lead to success. A product, a special food, a clothing design, a book come to mind. Toilets? Not so much. That's what I thought of, Family Toilets....my future forecast.

Today the blog post is going to revolve around the bathroom. I realize this isn't of great interest to lots of people so I'm giving you all a warning, a spoiler of sorts.

There is such a thing as "Toilet Etiquette and Protocol."

In light of the recent e-mail going around, cell phone use in bathroom stalls should be banned. Really, who wants to talk to you while you're sitting on the pot? Now, on to urinals.

There are three distinctly different urinal designs and they all have particular procedures.

For the "free standing" urinals, the type I told Rebecca men sit in. Men know not to use the urinal next to one in use. If I walk into a two set and one is in use, I head to a stall. If it is absolutely necessary to stand next to someone then "eyes front" is the rule. It's very impolite to glance down and peek.

When using the "floor to waist" type urinals, the one between rule also applies. It is also important to stand close enough to avoid "splash" or "blow back." The rule of thumb is; make sure the stream can't be seen by someone standing parallel to you. The "no peek" rule is also in effect for these urinals.

The trough type urinals found in older sports arenas can be problematic. Never try to form your own line. The distance between you and the guy on either side should always be at least two feet. The "splash or "blow back" rule is even more important here. Even if you are standing next to a friend remember, it's impolite to cross streams.

A couple of fundamental guidelines for all the various styles are never go directly on any deodorizers and never, ever, ever, ever, spit your gum into the urinal.

By the way.....in London some of the men's restroom urinals are nothing more than a tiled wall with a collecting trough on the floor. If you run across one of those then just have at it. After all, as an adult, how often do you get a chance to take (or leave) a leak on a wall?

And if you find yourself in one of those places with only a hole in the floor, you're on your own and good luck.

A few days ago while in the shower I recognized the call of the toilet. Lenny Bruce the comedian from the late 50's and 60's is supposed to have said any man who says he's never pissed in the sink is a lier. I have no reason to lie here, I have never peed in a sink. I went in a waste basket once but that's another story. I have also never peed in the shower, at home. I suppose in the grand scheme of things it's really no big deal, however, I don't do it.

I well remember having to raise my hand in class and ask permission to relieve myself. I also remember the "may I and can I" rules of grammar. GOD forbid you made a mistake and said, "Can I go to the bathroom?" Because you may just hear the lecture first.

In the 1990 movie "Avalon" a young boy (LOTR's Elijah Wood) has to go sit in the principals office for the improper use of "may I and can I." His old country grandfather comes to pick him up and is more confused by this than the kid.

I hold up and wave my arm at the teacher. Eventually acknowledged I say, "May I please go to the bathroom?" Bad enough having to ask permission, worse is being required to hold up the number of fingers that magically correspond to the bodily function I need to perform. How humiliating. I wonder, who first assigned the number one and number two? And, what was the criteria used?

So, I'm almost finished in the shower and I know a number two is in my future. I got out, dried off, put on some clothes, and went.  This doesn't happen often but when it does, I just do it. I've never thought about it, until it happened last week. I realized I can not sit on the toilet wet or naked. I wondered why I needed to put on, at least, pants. I thought it strange.

A couple of days ago, out of the blue, Wanda mentioned she "got dressed before using the toilet." I told her I did too and how I had just been thinking about it. This is incredibly refreshing; admittedly, it's not often, but after almost two dozen years together Wanda and I still find new things to talk about.